Words to Recover by -- ACCEPT

Accept -- If we accept the things we cannot change, we stop fighting and when we stop fighting and face our vulnerabilities, we begin the process of healing from within. 

The word "accept" has many nuances: to receive gladly, to welcome, to believe, to absorb or bond, to make a contract, or to meet a minimum requirement.  In order to accept something, it must be available or on offer and we must be willing to receive it.  Sometimes, in order to grow, we have to accept things that we do not welcome, such as criticism or grief.

Recovering life is all about acceptance:  

• that we are powerless over our addiction; 
• that we cannot control anything or anyone outside of ourselves;
• of spiritual guidance;
• of help from others who live in recovery;
• of the beauty and mystery that surround us even on the worst days, if we open our senses.

EXERCISES:

1.  List five things about yourself that you accept gladly.

• Why do you accept these things about yourself?
• If your list is shorter than five, ask yourself why there are so few things about yourself that you accept.    Ө

2.  List five things about yourself that you wish were different.

• Why do these things bother you? 
• Can you change these things?  If so, how?  If not, why not?  
• If you are able to change these things but do not do so, what is stopping you?

3.  List five people in your life whom you accept gladly.

• Why do you accept these people?
• If your list is shorter than five, ask yourself why there are so few acceptable people in your life.  Ө

4.  List five people in your life whom you wish were different than they are.

• What is it about each of these people that you do not like?
• Do you believe these people can change?  If so, how?  If not, why not?
• Are there more than five people on this list?  Ө

5.  List five aspects of your life that you accept gladly.

• Why are you glad about these things?
• If you list is shorter than five, ask yourself if you are depressed.  Ө

6.  List five aspects of your life that you wish were different.

• What is it about each of these things that you do not like?
• What, if anything, can you do to make these things acceptable?
• Are there changes you would like to make but are afraid to do so?

7.  Putting It All Together:

Each of us has flaws, shortcomings, and disadvantages, which cannot be changed.  It is important to recognize these things, accept them as reality, and forgive ourselves for being less than perfect.  Often what we believe to be a problem is only because we make it so and we make it so by refusing to accept reality. The most important action we can take on the path to recovery is to find things about ourselves to appreciate.  We cannot all look like movie stars, in fact most of us do not:  we are too short/tall, too fat/thin, too dark/fair, too hirsute/bald, too much this, not enough that.  This tearing down of self is an act of self-destruction and only serves to feed our addictions.  Making peace with who and what you are is the first step to becoming strong enough to recover your life.

Unless you are a hermit, there are people with whom you interact on a regular basis.  First and foremost are family members, then come friends, co-workers, and neighbors.  Unfortunately, all of these people have flaws and shortcomings which can make them unpleasant to communicate with.  If you find yourself saying, "Suzie makes me so mad!", consider that Suzie cannot MAKE you do anything unless she is pointing a gun at your head, and even then you have a choice.  In fact, you are reacting to Suzie's behavior and this is something within your control.  The hard work of acceptance in recovery is separating your own emotions from the behavior and emotions of others.  Once you learn to do this, you can change how you respond when people in your life do things that trigger your upset feelings.

Finally, life has a way of frustrating the best laid plans.  Weather, health, politics, and economics shape the world in which we live.  Our task is to learn to manage our inner response to unanticipated challenges and problems.  In order to do that, we must learn to accept the storms that rain on parades and find some other way to move forward with our lives.  It is not always possible to make lemonade out of life's lemons, so it is important to accept and embrace being powerless. Recovering Life begins here.

Ө Intense, negative feelings toward oneself is a symptom of major depression.  Please seek the advice of a licensed mental health practitioner for treatment.

Copyright 2014 Serena Englander, All Rights Reserved

Words to Recover By: Accept

Accept -- If we accept the things we cannot change, we stop fighting and when we stop fighting and face our vulnerabilities, we begin the process of healing from within. 

The word "accept" has many nuances: to receive gladly, to welcome, to believe, to absorb or bond, to make a contract, or to meet a minimum requirement.  In order to accept something, it must be available or on offer and we must be willing to receive it.  Sometimes, in order to grow, we have to accept things that we do not welcome, such as criticism or grief.

Recovering life is all about acceptance: 

• that we are powerless over our addiction, among other things;
• that we cannot control anything or anyone outside of ourselves; 
• of spiritual guidance; 
• of help from others who live in recovery;
• of the beauty and mystery that surround us even on the worst days, if we open our senses.

 Copyright 2014 by Serena Englander, all rights reserved

Gullible

Luca is a young man of my acquaintance whom I met while he was -- unbeknownst to me -- on house arrest.  He had crashed his car, injuring several people, while intoxicated.  During his year of house arrest, he attended mandatory AA meetings and eventually earned permission to leave his house in order to work at the horse farm where his girlfriend was employed as assistant manager.  Jenni is a sweet and beautiful young woman whose passion is horses.  She is an accomplished equestrian but has never achieved her potential.  When she met Luca, he was already in trouble:  he was selling and using drugs, getting in fights, and generally wasting his life.  The only person he was nice to was Jenni and eventually, after his accident and house arrest, the two became a couple.

When Luca first appeared at the barn, I didn't know what to think.  With tattoos from the neck down, he looked like a drugged-out thug, but was as sweet and polite as well brought up child.  He absolutely loved my horse and seemed like a peaceful and happy young man and soon I stopped noticing the "body art".  Fast forward three months to when the ankle bracelets came off.  The first thing he did was reconnect with his homies who were also newly off house arrest.  They went to AA meetings together not because they had to, he said, but because they wanted to.  Luca seemed sincere in his desire to live a good life, free of substances.  It made me happy to hear him speak of the happy place he found himself in. Around Christmas, Luca moved in with Jenni and the two made quick work of the stalls and other horsekeeping chores and seemed head over heals in love.

Last week, after the owner of the farm commented to Jenni that her work ethic had recently deteriorated, Jenni announced that she and Luca were moving out of the farm residence and into a place of their own and the two walked off the job to go house hunting.  In anticipation of a vacancy, the owner let herself inside the little house in order to measure for new kitchen cabinets and appliances.  The inside of the house, which had been mostly renovated just five months before, was a horror.  There were holes punched in the walls and garbage and dog feces covering the floors. It looked like a crack house.

One of Jenni's friends told the owner that Luca was back to selling and using drugs and was also becoming violent towards Jenni.  Later when the owner confronted Luca with her suspicions, he threatened to beat her too, but the owner reminded him that she had his parole officer's number on speed dial.  He backed off but Jenni stood paralyzed in a corner, sobbing.  The owner offered sanctuary to Jenni, but she declined without a word.

The two left the next day, but not before Luca greeted me in his usual sweet and innocent way and fussed over my horse.  I wanted to say something, to ask him why, to offer to take him to a meeting, but pretended that I knew nothing about his fall from grace.  It should not have surprised me, but it did because I wanted so badly to believe in the miracle that was his recovery.  How did I not see this coming? 

The owner of the farm, herself, is engaged to a man who is finishing his sentence for felony DUI.  The two started dating while he was on house arrest and she stuck with him during those long and lonely months because she believes in him, despite his being less than completely honest about what actually happened before the accident that nearly killed a nine-year-old child.  He seems like a sweet and good person who wants to live a good life.  He appears to have learned to live in a state of gratitude and to surrender completely in the face of addiction.  My heart will break for both of them if he throws away the God-given love of a good woman, the forgiving heart of his precious son, and the support of a whole community with a stake in his recovery.

Addiction is so powerful it blinds and numbs us to the divine light of eternal love that surrounds each and every one of us.  Living in a state of grace is a constant decision to move toward this light and to ignore the seduction of addiction's false promises.  Some days I feel like a child's soap bubble riding a gentle breeze, and on others,  like a leaf floating gently down a stream.  Fragile and beautiful and temporary. 

Dry Drunk

Alcoholics tend to share common traits, such as blaming others for their own mistakes, denying obvious truths, and rationalizing their unworthy behavior.  For example, a wife might blame her drinking problem on her husband's lack of sexual interest (when the reality is that she is passed out drunk every night and he finds this repulsive).  Teenagers who binge drink every weekend often fail to see a problem when they drag their hungover selves out of bed on Monday mornings.  Parents who regularly finish a bottle of wine (or more) every night credit their European heritage for their appreciation of the finer things in life.  Of course, there are much worse examples than these:  physical and emotional abuse, lying and stealing, and self-destruction, among others.

Not everyone who blames, lies to, or hurts others is an alcoholic or addict.  In AA circles, these people are called "Dry Drunks".  During my rehab and recovery process, I realized that almost everyone could benefit from a Twelve-Step type program because of the profound effect it had on my inner experience.  Each of us engages in denial and rationalization to some degree because being brutally honest with ourselves is often painful.  But, taking an honest look at oneself can be transformative because it allows us to stop pretending that we are whom we are not. 

Defensiveness has many faces:  anger, passivity, aggression, fawning, criticizing, and masking feelings are a few.  Anger, aggression, and criticizing deflect attention away from one's own shortcomings and serve to intimidate others.  Passivity, fawning, and masking feelings are a way of protecting oneself from angry, aggressive, and critical people.  Honesty is the key to being whole and healthy because it cannot survive defensiveness. 

In rehab, my counselor Chrissy often said that when someone stirs up strong (negative) feelings it is about some aspect of ourselves that we dislike.  This powerful insight allowed me to let go of anger and resentment I had toward some people in my life and confront my deeper feelings about myself.  Twelve-Step programs force us to examine our behavior over a lifetime and tease out the defenses we have used to protect ourselves from unpleasant emotions.  It is easier to hurt someone else than to admit failure or humiliation to ourselves.

If everyone could, from time to time, take an honest inventory of his or her behavior and forgive him or herself for wrongs done to others, we might all get along better.  On a global scale, this could foster a more peaceful world:  It's not you, its me and I apologize for making you feel bad because I hurt.  Amen.

Inside Recovery

We all know someone who has gone through substance abuse treatment, or "rehab", as it is usually referred to.  Addiction does not care if you are rich, poor, ugly, beautiful, fat, thin, smart, stupid, or anything else.  You can become addicted to things which are not in themselves "addictive", gambling and food, for two examples.  An addiction becomes a problem when feeding it takes priority over self-care, relationships, and even life itself.  If you lie to yourself and others about your consumption, if you plan your life around your drug of choice, or if doing without makes you irritable, you need help and fast before you do irreparable damage to yourself or someone else.

Addictions are not necessarily bad, as any self-respecting coffee drinker will attest.  For a long time, my daily wine was not a bad addiction (well, it actually was, but I didn't see it that way at the time) but then my consumption began creeping up and my ability to cope began declining and I realized that I powerless over alcohol.  At first, I believed that my problems were psychological and if I could resolve my repressed feelings, I would no longer feel the need to have more than a glass of wine with dinner.  I signed up for outpatient rehab because I knew that I needed to stop drinking while in intensive therapy and a "dual-diagnosis" program was the only option available. 

While in recovery, and afterwards, I kept a journal which I published in blog form before turning it into a manuscript.  My reason for publishing this highly personal record of my illness is to help others by showing them what a gift recovery is.  I think about drinking every day and socialize with people who drink but I know that every day I do not drink alcohol is a good day because I am free.