Attend -- Be here now. Focus. Wait. Show up. Many things vie for our attention every
day. This can make us feel as if our
lives are out of control, so it is important to identify priorities. Priorities are value-driven: setting them requires deciding the rank of
competing demands. Often we feel torn
when forced to decide what to do first.
Each choice has consequences which we must accept if we are to find peace within ourselves, which is why it is
critical to develop a clear set of values.
At bottom, we value our lives and will act in ways to save
ourselves if we feel threatened. Absent
imminent danger, we need to be clear about what to most important to us. Examples include family, friends, work, sports,
health, money, religion, spirituality, and marriage. Attending to one of these things is often at
the expense of another. Participating in
a sport takes time and money. Supporting
a family also takes time and money. Work
produces money but takes time in exchange.
There are only 24 hours in every day, eight of which should be spent
sleeping, leaving 16 to split between everything else. In the end, we must choose what to attend to
first.
Clarifying priorities requires a thoughtful analysis of the
strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats inherent in our life
situation.
· Strengths are things that we have and want to keep, such as a spouse or life partner, a nice house, a good job, pets, hobbies; anything that gives meaning to our lives.
· Weaknesses are things that we have and do not
want to keep: an unhappy marriage, an underwater mortgage, an illness; anything that causes us distress.
·
Opportunities are life decisions aimed at
increasing our strengths. Often they involve risk: leaving an unhappy marriage, enrolling in college, moving to a new town, trying a new medication.
· Threats are things we do not want because they
weaken our strengths and put the things we care about at risk.
EXERCISES:
1. Perform a SWOT
analysis of your current life situation.
List at least five strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. If you are unable to complete this alone,
find a counselor or life coach who can be objective.
The list of strengths should tell you what your
life priorities are. Try to rank them in
order of importance. While you go through
the list, ask yourself if you are doing anything that might undermine your
priorities. As discussed above, our
fundamental value is self-preservation and that involves more than avoiding
drive-by shootings. It requires a focus
on being a mentally and physically healthy person, so if you have high blood
sugar but refuse to cut back on cookies you are putting everything you care
about at risk.
Weaknesses can be those we own, such as dietary
choices, and those beyond our control.
It is important to prioritize weaknesses as well as strengths because
that enables us to figure out what we have the power to change and what we must
accept. A chronic health condition is a weakness, but
not necessarily disabling.
Opportunities are found where we have power to
address weaknesses: looking for a new
job is no fun but landing a good job (or leaving a nightmare boss) can have a
profound effect on the quality of your life.
An unhappy marriage is an opportunity to grow, either by recommitting to
the marriage and working hard to make it better, or by changing your behavior
and giving your spouse an opportunity to change as a result.
Threats are the things we fear: death, job loss, divorce, illness,
disability, misery, poverty. It is
important to face these things head on and figure out what, if anything, we can
do to mitigate them. If there is no
mitigation, then it is important to develop contingency plans. Contingency plans often lead to opportunities
and reveal hidden strengths.
2. Read and revise
your SWOT analysis across a several day period and discuss it with an objective
third party.
3. Create your Life
Priority List of seven (plus or minus two) things:
Don't worry if you cannot rank your priorities
yet, just write them down. Keep in mind that over time, your priorities will
change. Focus only on what is important
in the present because the future is unknowable.
For each item, put an "X" under the
column corresponding with survival, sustenance, and success. A sample chart:
PRIORITIES
|
SURVIVAL
|
SUSTENANCE
|
SUCCESS
|
Marriage Problems
|
|||
Losing Weight
|
|||
Gaining Wealth
|
|||
Career Advancement
|
|||
Hobby
|
|||
Avocation
|
|||
Religion
|
Ø
Survival:
feeding, housing, and clothing yourself and your dependents is a
problem; your health is at risk; you have serious legal trouble; you abuse alcohol or drugs
Ø
Sustenance: you meet your basic needs but you struggle
and/or want more/better
Ø
Success:
you meet or exceed your goals for this life priority and want that to
continue
If you have a lot of Xs under survival, this
indicates a feeling of desperation about your circumstances. Survival is about things with life or death
consequences for you and your dependents.
If you are able to meet your basic needs, but struggle to meet a
priority, put an X under sustenance. Put
an X under success for any priority that does not need to change.
4. Using the insight from your priorities table,
you should see where your priorities rank.
Obviously, survival trumps everything else, in which case your other
priorities may have to wait. Feeding an
addiction feels like a life or death priority, but in reality it is an act of
self-destruction. Starving an addiction
might feel like death, but it is the only way to break free.
Attend
to your health and well-being first and foremost so that you have the strength
to take care of what matters most:
family, job, friends, etc.