Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Words to Recover By -- Attend

Attend  -- Be here now.  Focus. Wait. Show up.  Many things vie for our attention every day.  This can make us feel as if our lives are out of control, so it is important to identify priorities.  Priorities are value-driven:  setting them requires deciding the rank of competing demands.  Often we feel torn when forced to decide what to do first.  Each choice has consequences which we must accept if we are to find peace within ourselves, which is why it is critical to develop a clear set of values. 

At bottom, we value our lives and will act in ways to save ourselves if we feel threatened.  Absent imminent danger, we need to be clear about what to most important to us.  Examples include family, friends, work, sports, health, money, religion, spirituality, and marriage.  Attending to one of these things is often at the expense of another.  Participating in a sport takes time and money.  Supporting a family also takes time and money.  Work produces money but takes time in exchange.  There are only 24 hours in every day, eight of which should be spent sleeping, leaving 16 to split between everything else.  In the end, we must choose what to attend to first.

Clarifying priorities requires a thoughtful analysis of the strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats inherent in our life situation.

·        Strengths are things that we have and want to keep, such as a spouse or life partner, a nice house, a good job, pets, hobbies; anything that gives meaning to our lives.

·       Weaknesses are things that we have and do not want to keep: an unhappy marriage, an underwater mortgage, an illness; anything that causes us distress.

·         Opportunities are life decisions aimed at increasing our strengths.  Often they involve risk:  leaving an unhappy marriage, enrolling in college, moving to a new town, trying a new medication.

·       Threats are things we do not want because they weaken our strengths and put the things we care about at risk.

EXERCISES:
1.  Perform a SWOT analysis of your current life situation.  List at least five strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats.  If you are unable to complete this alone, find a counselor or life coach who can be objective.

The list of strengths should tell you what your life priorities are.  Try to rank them in order of importance. While you go through the list, ask yourself if you are doing anything that might undermine your priorities.  As discussed above, our fundamental value is self-preservation and that involves more than avoiding drive-by shootings.  It requires a focus on being a mentally and physically healthy person, so if you have high blood sugar but refuse to cut back on cookies you are putting everything you care about at risk. 

Weaknesses can be those we own, such as dietary choices, and those beyond our control.  It is important to prioritize weaknesses as well as strengths because that enables us to figure out what we have the power to change and what we must accept.  A chronic health condition is a weakness, but not necessarily disabling. 

Opportunities are found where we have power to address weaknesses:  looking for a new job is no fun but landing a good job (or leaving a nightmare boss) can have a profound effect on the quality of your life.  An unhappy marriage is an opportunity to grow, either by recommitting to the marriage and working hard to make it better, or by changing your behavior and giving your spouse an opportunity to change as a result. 

Threats are the things we fear:  death, job loss, divorce, illness, disability, misery, poverty.  It is important to face these things head on and figure out what, if anything, we can do to mitigate them.  If there is no mitigation, then it is important to develop contingency plans.  Contingency plans often lead to opportunities and reveal hidden strengths. 

2.  Read and revise your SWOT analysis across a several day period and discuss it with an objective third party. 

3.  Create your Life Priority List of seven (plus or minus two) things: 

Don't worry if you cannot rank your priorities yet, just write them down.  Keep in mind that over time, your priorities will change.  Focus only on what is important in the present because the future is unknowable. 

For each item, put an "X" under the column corresponding with survival, sustenance, and success.  A sample chart:

PRIORITIES
SURVIVAL
SUSTENANCE
SUCCESS
Marriage Problems



Losing Weight



Gaining Wealth



Career Advancement



Hobby



Avocation



Religion




Ø  Survival:  feeding, housing, and clothing yourself and your dependents is a problem; your health is at risk; you have serious legal trouble;  you abuse alcohol or drugs
Ø  Sustenance:  you meet your basic needs but you struggle and/or want more/better
Ø  Success:  you meet or exceed your goals for this life priority and want that to continue

If you have a lot of Xs under survival, this indicates a feeling of desperation about your circumstances.  Survival is about things with life or death consequences for you and your dependents.  If you are able to meet your basic needs, but struggle to meet a priority, put an X under sustenance.   Put an X under success for any priority that does not need to change. 

4.  Using the insight from your priorities table, you should see where your priorities rank.  Obviously, survival trumps everything else, in which case your other priorities may have to wait.  Feeding an addiction feels like a life or death priority, but in reality it is an act of self-destruction.  Starving an addiction might feel like death, but it is the only way to break free. 


Attend to your health and well-being first and foremost so that you have the strength to take care of what matters most:  family, job, friends, etc. 

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